4. Rambo Zen
* blip *
And Elvis was himselvis again.
“You a tough nut,
boy,” Elvis complained. “How come?”
“I don’ bleev you no mo,” said Rambo.
“I thought yew was a fayun!”
“Lotsa tings I don’ bleeve no mo. Musta be on accounta da
Lightinmint that hit me yestadee.”
Elvis asked, “Yew was hit by lightnin’?”
“Sorta. I got Lightined.” Rambo shrugged. “”Din’t tink I’d
eva make da grade; but judo sensei said Lightinmint can happen to ennywun.”
“Tell me ’bout yo’ Lightinmint.”
Rambo said, “Well, I wuz hangin’ ’round some gook dump wit’
nuttin’ to do fer hours. Hurry up an’ wait.”
Elvis said, “Thass the Army way.”
“Hours an’ hours of nuttin’! Gawd I was bored. Wandrin’
’round, I saw dis gook stachoo of a gook sittin’ down cross-legged. I tink dey
calls ’em boodas. I check da booda fer booby-traps; it wuz safe, an’ my feet
wuz hoitin’, so I sat down facin’ it.
“It wuz da most free time I had in months, so I figgered,
why not meddy-tate, like judo sensei tot me? Neva reely tried it befo’.
“Sensei said cross legs real tight. Dat wuz hard. Den empty
all tot from mind. Dat wuz easy.
“I knew I hadda meddy-tate on sumpin’, but I din’t know
what; so I meddy-tated on nuttin’ instead. Figgered dat wuz safe.
“An’ den, all of a sudden, like…
“I mean, befo’ I knew it…
“I wuz gettin’ hi!”
Elvis, whose attention had been wandering, perked up at
this news. “Hah? How hah?”
Rambo said, “Way
hi! Sky hi! I mean WHOAAA!”
“What was yew on,
man?”
“Nuttin’, man!”
“Hah on nuthin’?
A free rahd?”
Rambo nodded. “I wuz hiya den any drug eva took me.
“I wuz hiya den da java.
“Hiya den da tabacca.
“Hiya den da booze.
“Hiya den da merry-jane.
“Hiya den da shrooms.
“Hiya den da uppas an’ da downas an’ da coke an’ da smack
an’ da acid an’ alla dem udda kemmy-culls.”
Elvis whistled, impressed. “Sounds lahk yew been around.”
Rambo said, “I tried expandin’ my mind befo’. It din’t do
no good. But dis wuz sumpin’ else.”
Elvis marvelled, “Hah on nuthin’!”
Rambo said, “I dunno
why! Mebbe I meddy-tated right.”
Elvis said, “Beginner’s luck. Whass it lahk?”
Rambo said, “Could see
tings. See evryting…
“Saw alla da people…
“… an’ all da critters an’ da bugs an’ da plants…
“… an’ what dey all had in common…”
Rambo screwed up his face. He looked like he was going to
cry. He inhaled hugely, and he bawled, “Dey wuz hoitin’!
“Hoitin’ fer stuff dey don’ have…
“Hoitin’ fer stuff dey ain’t gonna have…
“Hoitin’ fer stuff dat neva wuz an’ neva won’t…
“Hoitin’ cuz dey huggin’ a dream…
“Cuz it ain’t fer real!”
Rambo cried.
Elvis said, “What ain’t?”
Rambo said, “Nunnavit! Da hole woild!”
Elvis said, “The world ain’t real?”
Rambo nodded. “It’s wunna dem… uh… what’s da woid…” He scratched
his head. “Hullaballoosinayshuns, dat’s da woid.”
Elvis said, “Now lemme get this straight. Yew tellin’ me
that all this,” and he gestured
around him, at the USO camp, the nearby village, and the jungle beyond, “all o’
God’s green Earth ain’t really theyah?”
Rambo nodded. “Cuz nuttin’ lasts. Tings come an’ go.
Sunrise! Sunset! Where’s da sun? Chicken! Egg! Where’s da boid?”
“Cow! Bull!” said Elvis. “Wheyah’s the beef?”
“See dis fist?” Rambo said, holding his up.
“Uh… yeah.”
Rambo opened his hand. “Where’d it go?”
Elvis said, “An’ thass the world?”
“Keeps changin’. On, off. Flickers like a flick.”
Elvis said, “Yew mean we livin’ in a B movie?”
Rambo nodded. “It’s like a bad dream we all havin’.”
Elvis said, “The world’s a crazy media spectacle?”
Rambo nodded. “An’ it all on accounta da Line!”
Elvis said, “What Lahn?”
“Y’know. Da Time Line,” said Rambo. “Hurry up an’ wait.
Punch da clock. Watch ya parkin’ meetahs. Tic toc tic toc. Don’ wannit good,
wannit Toizdee.”
“Oh! That Lahn!”
said Elvis.
“Like cattle. Like cars. Like cattle cars,” said Rambo.
“Ka-chunk ka-chunk ka-chunk.”
Elvis said, “Monday mornin’ blues.”
Rambo said, “Straight an’ narrow, straight to Hell.”
“The Assembly Lahn,” said Elvis. “The Dead Lahn.”
“Da Line,” said Rambo. “An’ it ain’t so.” Rambo shook his head. “Ain’t no Line, no where, no how.”
Elvis said, “Boy, yew sayin’ the Lahn is… lahin’?”
“Yup. Da Line is a line.”
“An’ what a
Lahn!” Elvis declared.
Rambo confided to Elvis, “But I figgered a way out!”
“A way outta Lahn?!”
“A way to stop da hoitin’”
said Rambo. “Y’see, dere’s nuttin’ to get
hung about. Easy come, easy go. When da Line gets ya down, just get outta
Line!”
“How yew gonna do that?”
Rambo said, “Just keep cool. Keep on truckin’. Easy duzzit.
Golden mean. Live an’ let live. Luv ya nayba. What, me worry?”
Awed, Elvis declared, “Whah, thass th’ wisdom of the ages!”
“Da whiz-dumb of da ages’ll getcha outa Line. Fer shure.”
Elvis said, “Mebbe thass what it’s fo’.”
“And when I figgered dat out… I gotta chance ta go.”
“Go wheyuh, man?”
“Nowhere, man! Da
Big Oh. Noivanna. Troo Slack. Poiminint hollyday. Da pure white Lite at da enda
da tunnel.”
Elvis said, “Thass way
outta Lahn!”
Rambo said, “An’ I coulda haddit, man!”
Elvis said, “Had what?”
“Nuttin, man! I
could dunnit… coulda… gone…”
Elvis said, “We were gonna lose yew!”
“Yeah.” Rambo shrugged. “Mebbe dat booda wuz booby-trapped!”
Elvis said, “Warn’t yew scayuhed?”
Rambo said, “No way, man! It was great! Poifect! Da best!
“But I totta ma buddys.
“An’ I totta da folks back home.
“So I come back.
“I come back ta tell ya da good nooz.
“I come back ta say tings is A.O.K.”
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